In uncertain times like these CoViD crisis days, any stressors we used to be able to fend off with reasonable ease, now just seem to throw us out of control. We orbit on the outer edges of our balance, reacting to life, rather than being at the helm of it. How do we re-center? How do we regain our place of calm, confidence and clarity?
I’ve stumbled upon a pretty clever tool I’d like to share – PACE. PACE is an approach developed by clinical psychologist Dan Hughes, PhD. It consists of accessing four personal qualities which allow adults to support a child’s development of their own self-awareness, emotional intelligence and resilience. Over time, and with practice, a child will acquire strong skills to better understand and regulate their emotions.
PACE works remarkably well for adults too. If key to this approach is a deep respect for the child’s own experiences and their inner life, this is true when applying it to oneself as an adult. Appreciating and respecting our own inner experiences and feelings is key. Eventually, it helps one grow from being Reactive to being Receptive in life and relationships, which ties in with Resilience and living with Presence.
Grow from being Reactive to being Receptive
in life and relationships.
That is Resilience and living with Presence.
PACE stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy. I have spelled it as PAUSING & PLAYFULNESS, ACCEPTANCE, CURIOSITY, EMPATHY.
How does it work? In a situation when you feel you’re getting tense, angry, or uncomfortable PACE yourself by pausing first and getting into a light mood. Or, if you see another person or your child is getting reactive, resistant or angry, you can apply PACE to how you deal with their feelings, instead of reacting. Below, I have quoted the description in working with children, and then applied it to adults.
Pausing & Playfulness – an open, calm, relaxed and engaged attitude
’When children laugh and giggle, they become less defensive and more reflective. Playfulness can help keep it all in perspective… It can also diffuse a difficult or tense situation when a parent has a touch of playfulness in his or her discipline.’.
Humor and a good joke can change the atmosphere. You’ve heard “Take your work seriously, but don’t take yourself too seriously”. Or take everything with a grain of humor. Before reacting, pause and find some way to get amused at the situation, take a playful stance or say something light. Accessing and maintaining a sense of joy and lightness as you go through the day-to-day life, including any difficult situation, doesn’t mean you make less of it or treat it as unimportant.
Acceptance – unconditionally accepting yourself and how you feel
“Unconditionally accepting a child makes them feel secure, safe and loved. It means actively communicating to the child that you accept the wishes, feelings, thoughts, urges, motives and perceptions that are underneath the outward behavior. It is about accepting, without judgment or evaluation, her inner life. The child’s inner life simply is; it is not right or wrong. The parent may be very firm in limiting behavior while at the same time accepting the motives for the behavior.’
As an adult that means accepting how you feel in that moment, what’s going on inside and that that is ok, as opposed to shutting it down or denying it. For example, the statement “in your anger do not sin” implies accepting your anger, admitting and feeling it, while resisting the urge to act upon it.
Curiosity – without judgement becoming aware of one’s inner life
‘Curiosity involves a quiet, accepting tone that conveys a simple desire to understand the child: “What do you think was going on? What do you think that was about?”
Imagine saying this to yourself with a calm, kind tone: What is going on? What is that feeling there? Or that thought? What is this all about?
Empathy – compassionate understanding for self and your feelings
’The adult will stay with the child emotionally, providing comfort and support… The adult is also communicating strength, love and commitment, with confidence that sharing the child’s distress will not be too much. Together they will get through it.’
Extending the same compassion to oneself can be transformational. Typically there is an inner critical part that can fill us with regrets, feelings of guilt and anxiety. Compassionate understanding means being present with oneself when distressed or another when they are distressed, instead of reacting with anger, criticism, self-loathing, correcting or minimizing the unpleasant feelings, etc.
PACE can be used by anyone to validate, explore and understand their own feelings, or those of another adult or child. This approach limits shame & blame, promotes compassion and brings a sense of strength and resilience, as well as support. It can take only a few minutes, but it can make a huge difference. Then one can move into action and problem-solving, as needed.
For more detailed descriptions click this link.
Changing the tone of your inner dialogue will change your future.
