How to Regain Control in Uncertain Times

In uncertain times like these CoViD crisis days, any stressors we used to be able to fend off with reasonable ease, now just seem to throw us out of control. We orbit on the outer edges of our balance, reacting to life, rather than being at the helm of it. How do we re-center? How do we regain our place of calm, confidence and clarity?

I’ve stumbled upon a pretty clever tool I’d like to share – PACE. PACE is an approach developed by clinical psychologist Dan Hughes, PhD. It consists of accessing four personal qualities which allow adults to support a child’s development of their own self-awareness, emotional intelligence and resilience. Over time, and with practice, a child will acquire strong skills to better understand and regulate their emotions.

PACE works remarkably well for adults too. If key to this approach is a deep respect for the child’s own experiences and their inner life, this is true when applying it to oneself as an adult. Appreciating and respecting our own inner experiences and feelings is key. Eventually, it helps one grow from being Reactive to being Receptive in life and relationships, which ties in with Resilience and living with Presence.

Grow from being Reactive to being Receptive
in life and relationships.
That is Resilience and living with Presence.

PACE stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy. I have spelled it as PAUSING & PLAYFULNESS, ACCEPTANCE, CURIOSITY, EMPATHY.

How does it work? In a situation when you feel you’re getting tense, angry, or uncomfortable PACE yourself by pausing first and getting into a light mood. Or, if you see another person or your child is getting reactive, resistant or angry, you can apply PACE to how you deal with their feelings, instead of reacting. Below, I have quoted the description in working with children, and then applied it to adults.

Pausing & Playfulness – an open, calm, relaxed and engaged attitude

’When children laugh and giggle, they become less defensive and more reflective. Playfulness can help keep it all in perspective… It can also diffuse a difficult or tense situation when a parent has a touch of playfulness in his or her discipline.’.

Humor and a good joke can change the atmosphere. You’ve heard “Take your work seriously, but don’t take yourself too seriously”. Or take everything with a grain of humor. Before reacting, pause and find some way to get amused at the situation, take a playful stance or say something light. Accessing and maintaining a sense of joy and lightness as you go through the day-to-day life, including any difficult situation, doesn’t mean you make less of it or treat it as unimportant.

Acceptance  – unconditionally accepting yourself and how you feel

“Unconditionally accepting a child makes them feel secure, safe and loved. It means actively communicating to the child that you accept the wishes, feelings, thoughts, urges, motives and perceptions that are underneath the outward behavior. It is about accepting, without judgment or evaluation, her inner life. The child’s inner life simply is; it is not right or wrong. The parent may be very firm in limiting behavior while at the same time accepting the motives for the behavior.’

As an adult that means accepting how you feel in that moment, what’s going on inside and that that is ok, as opposed to shutting it down or denying it. For example, the statement “in your anger do not sin” implies accepting your anger, admitting and feeling it, while resisting the urge to act upon it.

Curiosity – without judgement becoming aware of one’s inner life

‘Curiosity involves a quiet, accepting tone that conveys a simple desire to understand the child: “What do you think was going on? What do you think that was about?”

Imagine saying this to yourself with a calm, kind tone: What is going on? What is that feeling there? Or that thought? What is this all about? 

Empathy – compassionate understanding for self and your feelings

’The adult will stay with the child emotionally, providing comfort and support… The adult is also communicating strength, love and commitment, with confidence that sharing the child’s distress will not be too much. Together they will get through it.’

Extending the same compassion to oneself can be transformational. Typically there is an inner critical part that can fill us with regrets, feelings of guilt and anxiety. Compassionate understanding means being present with oneself when distressed or another when they are distressed, instead of reacting with anger, criticism, self-loathing, correcting or minimizing the unpleasant feelings, etc. 

PACE can be used by anyone to validate, explore and understand their own feelings, or those of another adult or child. This approach limits shame & blame, promotes compassion and brings a sense of strength and resilience, as well as support. It can take only a few minutes, but it can make a huge difference. Then one can move into action and problem-solving, as needed.

For more detailed descriptions click this link.

Changing the tone of your inner dialogue will change your future.

Find Your Voice. If Not Now, When?

How often did you rehearse it in your head, but still struggling to get it out? Find your voice, you read in various places. And if you are like many who feel a calling inside to speak but something is holding them back, than you also feel your throat tightening and anxiety kicking in, along with a nagging feeling of angst. Eyes dropping. Heart sinking.

Could there be another way to approach it?

What about looking at it as if there is nothing special about speaking out, nothing out-of-the-ordinary? As if this is just a natural thing you were born to do? What if there was nobody to impress and nobody to disappoint? What if this was simply part of your responsibility in life as a human being, just as showing up on time, or caring for a loved one is?

But I hear that voice of disapproval in my head, you’d say. That voice needs to be heard. Perhaps at some point it had a point. And a purpose. However, it became too loud and too restricting as you grew more aware of who you are and the world around. What if you could have a conversation with that part, validating it and letting it know it served its purpose? And that from now on you can take over and grow out of it.

Understandably, it can be daunting to get out there, because it means exposing oneself. Eyes on me. Making oneself vulnerable to some degree. It’s a risk to take. Nevertheless, there is strength in being vulnerable. And there is gain from taking calculated risks. And there is freedom to be found in finding one’s voice.

Of course, the opposite is true. There are also risks, a sense of powerlessness and bondage to face when holding back. So another question to ask would be: what do I stand to lose if I don’t find my voice and make it audible?

May 2020 be the year when you mark a bold step in being dauntless – fearless and determined – about finding your voice. You only live once. If not now, when?

The Corruptible Nature of Happiness

When you ask people what they want most in life often they will answer, “To be happy…” However, if you’ve heard about the corruptible nature of happiness you wonder: this pursuit of happiness, is it a worthwhile endeavor?

Well. It depends how you pursue it. Make it the goal of your life and it will ever elude you. Why? Such is the nature of happiness.

Slavoj Zizek stated that happiness should be “treated as a byproduct, and a necessary one”, of whatever pursuit in life. If you focus on it you’re lost. One the other hand, if you work on a goal, towards a dream, and it brings you satisfaction, both the process and the anticipation of the outcome, in there lies the holy grail of happiness.

For example think of it as the shadow of an object. First the object must be there, call it objective or goal. And than light must act upon the object. Call it the action. Casting the right light on the right object will give you a distinct, refreshing shadow. Call it the state of happiness.

Happiness is a necessary byproduct of a life’s pursuit.

On the other hand, others believe happiness is a choice. And there is a great deal of truth in this as well. No pursuit is straightforward and any aspect of life, whether career, relationships, health, etc. will have its ups and downs. Yet how you choose to view it will matter. What you choose to zoom on and dwell on will constitute the choice to be happy.

The thing to bear in mind is happiness will never come solely from one successful aspect of life. We are complex human beings. Our lives have many facets. Some are core major facets. Failure to set and accomplish goals successfully in any of them will affect the rest. In fact that is what often leads to imbalances in people, psychologically and existentially. This in turn will often keep one trapped in depressive states, making them loose hope.

In addition, happiness is linked to the capacity to see beyond the current circumstances. In other words, hope plays a key part. Erik Erikson put it this way: “hope is both the earliest and the most indispensable virtue inherent in the state of being alive. If life is to be sustained hope must remain, even where confidence is wounded, trust impaired.”

Are you happy? As an exercise, make a list of all the important areas of your life and grade your level of success in each of them on a scale from 0 to 10. How do you think that impacts your state of happiness? Choose one aspect that needs working on and think of three things you could do even today to improve it’s grading.

Most importantly, start now.

Why Working Hard Is Not Enough

Hardworking Dauntless Minds

Imagine having clarity and being able to navigate with confidence the transitional changing situations in your life.

Imagine having support and encouragement as you take steps towards your dream goals.

Imagine leaving discontent, confusion and self-doubt behind and finding new confidence and joy in living.

Welcome to Dauntless Minds – the place where you learn to face and overcome giants and wield a solid foundation for a life of meaning.

There are three questions you have to ask before you launch into hard working.

One. What result am I after? Make a clear picture of it in your mind of the outcome you desire. Envision it. Make it in vivid colours. Let it become very clear.

Two. What is my purpose? What is your why? What drives you? It must be the thing that makes you as excited as a baby with the dawn of every new day. Let it inspire you.

Three. What major action do I need take to get there? Identify the steps, the strategy, the people you need to contact, the research you need to do. At first it might be small steps. Set deadlines to keep yourself accountable. Or better find someone to keep you accountable and support along the way.

These are the ways of the prosperous of all ages, the successful ones, and you can be one of them. Decide to start today and resolve to be dauntless about it.

But, you say, something is keeping me blocked, I’m stuck, can’t get passed it. I get it. And there is always a way out – seek and you will find, knock and it will be open onto you, as Jesus would say. I know it for a fact because I’ve made it my life quest to find a way to help those who are stuck, or who hit rock bottom or a roadblock. And all I can say is, there is hope.  Contact me for more.

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