We’re about to step into 2025 and it’s time again for the infamous New Year’s Resolutions. Whether those work or not that is another discussion, now very much worth having.
Peace in the New Year 2025
One helpful thing people did across ages was to evaluate how the past year has been. In times of old it was based on the amount of crops harvested, the weather, and whether there’s been any big losses in the family /community. And new hopes and wishes were echoed in the hearts and greetings, as people cast their eyes upon new horizons, setting new goals or just tweaking the old ones. To a great degree that is true today.
It took me a while to appreciate the value of this practice. My approach was to just go with the flow, and kinda bury my head in the sand when hit with future related questions.
So, how do you make it a year of Possibility and Growth in your life? Personally? Financially? Emotionally? Spiritually? In relationships?
Let me share 7 questions that I put together to guide my commitments and aims for this new year. I found it useful to organise it in three parts: 1. looking back and evaluating my parkour so far, 2. being with how I honestly feel about it, and 3. becoming clear about where I’m going and what do I need to keep the momentum. You can ask them separately in all five areas mentioned above and any you might want to add. So… here we go.
Looking Back
1. What was great this year? What have I accomplished? How I moved forward?
2. What was really challenging this past year? How did that impact me?
3. Where did I want to be in three years time to now? How far I’ve come?
The point here is not to make you feel bad, but rather focus on the progress. The journey towards our goals are rarely a straightforward road. We constantly evaluate and reorient. So, if you can treat any progress and/or lack of it with equanimity and just curious to notice, this is the way to go.
Being With What Is
4. How does it all make me feel? What am I proud of or grateful for? Disappointed?
Be honest with yourself. Acknowledge each feeling and stay with it. Notice also your inner critic. Be kind to whatever you’re experiencing, whether is contentment, joy, disappointment, anger, sadness, etc.
Looking Forward….
5. What do i wish to accomplish in this coming year?
Don’t focus on how, (you will do it later) rather envision it and be specific. Think of 1 to 3 major things. Then the trick later is to accomplish it one at a time.
6. What do I want to avoid happening this year?
Our minds tend to work better by focusing on what they don’t want, so this should be an easy one.
7. What are 3 choices I make today and commit to towards these goals/intentions?
Often we get stuck and overwhelmed with too much information, or which direction to go. Making a choice and acting on it, will open up to us the next door. For best, write it down in a statement, and set up a reminder for first steps you will take. Review & recommit regularly.
Who are the people I will let influence and motivate me on my path this year?
Choose a role-model, be it via a YouTube channel, a podcast or a real person in your life you will check with daily. Set a reminder.
This exercise might take some time, depending on how much thought you’ve given to your future goals prior to this. Take your time. If you feel defeated by how little things have progressed for you looking back, remember, it rarely goes according to plan for anyone. We need to leave room for chance, grace, luck, divine intervention or whatever you may want to call that thing, when we recognise not everything is dependent on us, and that it is OK.
Make these year’s resolutions far reaching and enriching!
Wishing you wholeheartedly a Fabulous New Year of Possibility!
Emotional healing or psychological repair are concepts used in the world of therapy that have become kind of mainstream. Partly mirroring the medical world, partly the mechanical, the quest has always been whether anything can be done to fix a traumatic experience or a problematic behavior in a person’s life.
If you’d rather listen to this talk, you can find it here.
When you hear emotional healing, what comes to mind? Usually in simple terms is that the pain of an experience is gone, or less, and does not get activated anymore.
From behavior conditioning to neuro-linguistic programming to psychoanalysis, various approaches have tackled this over time with various degrees of success.
In the latest decades though there has been a huge breakthrough in this regard, with the emergence of more experiential therapies combined with the advance in brain-imaging technology.
The therapy world has been opening more to include what in the past was in the domain of the spiritual, healers, miracle workers, various rituals that included, music, body movement, making proclamations and declarations, expressing the pain and grieving, rituals of closure, prayer and meditation, visualization and accessing a higher power or the higher self.
Two things have become clear: 1. throughout time people have been dealing with the same phenomena when it comes to human experience, and 2. humans have had the same resources in terms of body, emotions, thought, imagination, voice and expression.
What was making the difference? What is bringing the healing now and back then?
Two types of processes in psychotherapy
One of the prominent names in the world of psychotherapy is that of Bruce Echer LMFT. In his research and writings he describes two types of processes in therapy that lead to different results, counteractive change and memory reconsolidation, the latest being the one that underpins the experience of healing.
How Counteractive Change works?
Counteractive change helps manage the trauma or resulting symptoms by learning new skills that equips one to better deal with life. For example, growing up, a boy or girl witnessed his older sibling being punished for various things, so they learn to be safe by keeping quiet, doing all that is expected so they don’t get in trouble. As adults however, to counteract this fear, they took some classes and learned to express himself and be assertive, but every time they enter a meeting room with new people or the bosses there, there is that underlying fear that creeps over and they find it difficult to voice their opinion/ viewpoint. So they created a new way of behaving (learning to communicate, being assertive) on top of the old one. But now they both coexist. And one takes over the other sometimes.
In terms of neuroscience, this new learning created new neural pathways and connections. But this only works so far, if the trigger is very strong (boss reminds of harsh father or mother), and other circumstances such as health issues or a difficult relationship are present, or just tiredness, the chance for a relapse to old patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving is very much real.
How Memoy Reconsolidation works
With memory reconsolidation essentially one goes into the original memory and brings in new information. This modifies the memory in that it diffuses the emotional charge that gets activated in specific circumstances.
Before you get alarmed, I must add this does not erase a memory, but rather it takes the emotional pain out of it, so it’s not so painful and scary anymore.
To understand this we must understand that memories contain explicit data, of which we are aware and implicit data of which we are not always aware. The subconscious.
The memory reconsolidation process activates a memory with all its implicit data, such as feelings, body sensations, thoughts, beliefs. And moves into that memory to be there in a way in which the person needed someone to be with. OR do what they wished someone did back then. And bring in new knowledge about reality, about what’s true now, about how erroneous those conclusions were. This essentially changes that memory for good.
To quote Bruce Echer: ‘It’s this juxtaposition where the target learning collides with a strongly contradictory vivid knowing that is the key to transformational change because for a few hours these brain circuits are unlocked and the brain encoding undergoes a rapid change. When those synapses lock they are encoded with new information.’
In the example above, for instance in a therapy session the person would be able to go back into that experience of being scared and unable to speak, and be there for that scared part in a way it needed someone to be back then and help it see that things have changed and it can let go of that fear now. This is all new, so when the synapses lock back, they encode a modified memory.
A Wider View
In 2015, an article was published by four notable (with a total of 500 published research articles between them) psychologists published a BBS target article, Memory reconsolidation, emotional arousal, and the process of change in psychotherapy: New insights from brain science (Lane et al. 2015). The core idea of their article is that therapeutic change from a wide variety of therapeutic approaches, “including behavioral therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, emotion-focused therapy, and psychodynamic psychotherapy, results from the updating of prior emotional memories through a process of reconsolidation that incorporates new emotional experiences.”
These approaches as you can see from the diagram seem to access different entry points to an issue.
It’s important to note that those that fall into the experiential therapies category such Emotion Focused therapy, EMDR, Internal Family Systems, Somatic Experiencing, Sensorimotor are far more effective, in the way they target the deeper emotional learning, which then transforms the cognitive learning and consequently the behavior.
The Game Changer
The key element in this is compassion. Both from the therapist, but also from the client towards themselves – a rather revolutionary idea. It’s a compassion directed first and foremost towards your own hurt. In all, the power of compassion is astonishing for anyone who studied the life of Jesus. The amount of which He displayed towards others. It took me a while to understand it. When people were met with this compassionate presence in the midst of their pain, they would experience a miraculous transformation in their psyche, their souls and hearts – they were changed people. Life was never the same.
In IFS therapy, an approach I’m practicing, tapping into the same power within our core self, also known as the higher self, or the image of God within us, opens up an infinite resource of compassion, lovingkindness or positive regard towards ourselves and others. When accessing this resource in a moment of distress, and allowing for the pain to be, while regarding it with compassion, this results in a transformational experience and shields against emotional trauma. The resilience thing happens. This is a sacred space we create in the therapy room, but it’s available for anyone, anywhere really.
Conclusion
To recap, healing happens when we turn towards that traumatic experience, instead of running away from it, and let the feelings and sensations it carries be met with openness and compassion. Often having an outer source of compassion will facilitate the process.
The underpinnings of healing are known in therapy as memory reconsolidation, a process by which we clear the pain receptors or modify the painful memories, as opposed to counteractive change learned on top of that.
Further connecting to the larger context – our goals and dreams, the meaning of life, a greater power, calling, vision – tapping into the core resource of our higher self or the image of God in us allows us to thrive unhindered. And then if further connecting to God – this source of infinite love – we become truly unstoppable.
One amazing thing about some of the recent discoveries on neuroscience today is that our thoughts generated by our minds can grow into physical matter in our brain, changing the brain structure.
The other amazing discovery is that we are not built to live in a negative, toxic belief system or mindset, and that by doing so, that creates brain damage or mutations that eventually affect our health and life. As a matter of fact 75% to 98% diseases can now be attributed to toxic thinking.
The third even more thrilling side of this discovery is that, even if you lived in a toxic thought environment you can change it – you can change your brain structure, by starting to change your mind, the way you think. This is mind blowing, but true.
I’m glad science is catching up with the ancient wisdom shouting across the ages: mind over matter, a sound mind in a sound body and such. Building a new thought, it has been discovered, takes a cycle of 21 days of dwelling consistently on it. Repeat it for three such cycles and you’ve got a habit of thinking that way. Did you notice that happening with the negative beliefs and thinking?
The mind consists of our thinking, feeling and deciding! A new mindset, has the power to create a new destiny, one that you really desire and were made to have.
Start the New Year with this one new resolution. And watch it become a truly happy one!
Living in a place like London or anywhere where life is expensive, it’s hard to ignore the topic of money. Most people dream that one day, maybe, they will become financially free, or at least freer. There are various schemes that promise you to get rich quick, or how to make easy money, selling you a high-priced course or training.
Everyone has the freedom, the potential and the responsibility to increase their wealth, create more value and enjoy it. Yet true wealth is not of material nature. Anyone who reached financial wealth will tell you that true wealth is emotional, psychological and spiritual.
Let’s look at the lives of the wealthy. You will see there is a certain quality of life they have. You’ll think it’s because they are wealthy and don’t have any cares. That until you take a closer look at another category of the wealthy and discover that they are miserable and suffer despite all the money they’ve got. They are unhappy. Why? Because being happy is an art they never mastered.
Anyone can make more money, but will that make you happy and fulfilled. I’ll bet you, it won’t. A famous wealthy man wrote:
You can be successful financially, but without fulfillment that would be the ultimate failure.
The big question to ask is: will I commit to BE happy, no matter what happens?
Whatever is in the way of your sense of fulfillment, it’s not the money, it’s not the lacking in life, the deficiencies, the losses, the less. It’s the thoughts you have about these, the beliefs about self and the world that are in the way. When you deal with those, clear them out, than true wealth is yours. And you know what? That in turn will create more abundance in your life, your relationships, your wealth, your health and everywhere you go. It is the best gift you can give yourself and others.
What are some of the things that cause you suffering… limiting you? Look back… they’ve been there for a long time. Feel the pain. Write them down. Are you tired of holding on to that pain? Decide what you want to do with them. Do you need someone to help you navigate towards a new mindset and keep you accountable?
Be dauntless to make a decision today. You only live once.
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HEAL & THRIVE
What would it be like to live more vibrantly from the Inside Out?
Any setback can be a trailhead to immense opportunities to heal our past trauma, change how we live in the present, and create a future based on who we truly are rather than who we expected to be.